Where You Lead
by LisaDouglas
Summary: Bob and Emily try to pull each other down different paths.
1. It's Too Late

Ch 1- It's Too Late

August 1985

"I can't believe they're having another baby." Bob said as he climbed into bed. "I mean you know how old he is… They've gotta be kidding!"

"Yeah…" Emily reflected distantly.

She gulped, turning over on her side, his words hitting the pit of her stomach like a sinking rock. Emily closed her eyes, trying her best to shut out the relief in his tone. Bob paused, noting her stillness.

"Emily I'm sorry, I know you would've liked to…"

'Oh yeah.' She thought, 'Like you really feel so bad.'

It hadn't come up in almost five years, since Howard and Ellen had their twin boys. Their childlessness had been something that'd broken her heart, but which Bob found himself deeply thankful for on a month-to-month basis. There'd been a time, almost fifteen years before, when they'd both wanted a child, but when that'd not happened, Bob had become more than happy about his carefree childless life. As the seventies faded into the eighties, even Bob's mother Martha (who had been all too eager for them to have a baby and asked about it every chance she got) had stopped mentioning it entirely. Emily played along with Bob for a long time, pretending she wanted their life the way it was: the penthouse, the trips… Howard… it made the longing easier. But she had never given up hope, at least secretly.

'Maybe.' She'd held in in her heart, like the most fleeting but desperate of wishes. 'Maybe there's a small chance, all it takes is the once…'

But now the final boom had been lowered: menopause, followed quickly by Ellen's announcement that she was going to have another baby. One she didn't even want. Bob was happy about the former, and aghast at the latter.

'Was I really so bad? How was I not good enough to be a mother?' Emily asked herself, a tear streaming down her cheek.

"Honey. Honey I really am sorry." He said.

'Sorry now when there's nothing that can change it?' She thought bitterly. 'What am I saying? It's not his fault… As much as he wanted it this way he doesn't control biology… the basic biology that we can't have a baby…' She choked on the thought. 'But he willed it this way…'

"Oh honey, come here." He whispered.

She wanted to run away, but turned over again, accepting his gentle hug as she started to cry. He kissed her forehead, cradling her gently, kissing the tears from her cheeks.

"I'm um… I'm sorry I've been so emotional lately… it's the menopause." She cleared her throat, not wanting him to know how she felt.

He knew it wasn't. It broke his heart that she was sad about his sister's news, but he couldn't say he sympathized. He didn't want children: it was a simple fact. They'd been a wonderful match in every way but that, and Bob often wondered if he'd been selfish, if he could've helped her try harder, or helped her heal, or even let her adopt… but that was the last thing on earth he wanted. Now that nothing could change it, or take it back… now that it was too late, and their time had passed, Bob decided to help her heal, failing to see that that was almost meaningless.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asked. "Maybe I'll take the day and…"

"Oh no, no." She said quickly, brightening at the thought. "Tomorrow's my Auntie day Bob."

"Oh..."

At first, Howard and Ellen's instant and accidental family had really hurt Emily, but soon she'd found that the days she spent with their twin sons helped fill the hole in her heart. Bob, on the other hand, disliked his identical toddler nephews, their rowdiness and general disruptive behavior making Bob even gladder that he didn't have children of his own. But somehow, Ryan and Zach Borden, who really were the epitome of little terrors, behaved tremendously well, almost like little gentlemen, for their Aunt Emily… and only for her.

The twins healed her breaking heart, but also made her idealize motherhood in an unrealistic way… And unfortunately, they made him villainize fatherhood.

"Well." He said. "Dinner and a movie after, your favorite, okay?"

She giggled as he kissed her nose. "You're on."

'Maybe.' She thought as he started to kiss her. 'There are worse things than a man who doesn't want children… at least he's a sweet man, and a good man who loves you… '

Emily got lost in her thoughts as they continued to kiss, realizing that many of her high school friends who'd married very young, were going to be grandmothers very soon.

'Oh well.' She thought, wrapping her arms around her husband's neck as, together, they sunk into the covers. 'It just wasn't met to be…'

…

The Next Day

Bob looked up, startled when his sister came into his office and slammed the door.

"Is it hot in here?" She asked, fanning herself with a newspaper.

"I-I think it's just you."

"Bob I need to talk."

"Sit. I think I have another forty minutes or so until Mr. Carlin's due in…. How do you feel?"

"How do you think I feel?! I never really wanted to have kids…"

"I remember."

Howard had tricked Ellen. Even three years after she left him, the guy was still crazy about Bob's little sister. And to a degree, the feeling was mutual. The commitment shy reporter really did love Howard Borden, just not enough to give up her freedom to be with him. So when the idiotic co-pilot visited Ellen in Cleveland one fateful spring (having not seen her in a year), he did the only thing a desperate man could do: knock her up… purposefully. This, of course, had led to the end of Ellen's career, her move back to Chicago, and her subsequent marriage to Howard.

"Look. I just… God I feel awful for saying this." She managed, trying not to get sick again. "I should've done it the first time, not that I don't love the boys, but…"

"Done what?" Bob raised an eyebrow.

Ellen stared back a beat, wondering how clueless he really was.

"Bob." She said seriously. "Howard is so excited about this baby. He's freaking me out. He got a video camera Bob. He wants to film it!"

"Y-you're kidding."

Bob was stunned. He knew all too well about the new video camera. Howard had been bragging about it, making movies of the twins and the rest of the family. He'd filmed Howie's high school graduation, and Bob and Emily's fifteenth anniversary party. He'd even gotten in trouble with the FAA for trying to make home movies of himself at work. But most recently, he'd told Bob about his idea to use the camera in the bedroom.

'Howard that's my sister!' Bob had screamed, causing everyone at his mother's dinner party to turn and stare.

Ellen sighed. "Bob. I don't want that… I don't want this… I want…"

Ellen Hartley Borden paused, wondering if her big brother would understand the sentiment. He was tolerant, but not exactly liberal.

"Ellen. Whatever you wanna say, I'm here for you, more than anyone, like I always have been: I'll understand. Just say it."

Ellen almost bristled, and grew very serious. "Bob. I wanna have an abortion."

…

"Ryan and Zachie look at you my handsome little devils!" Emily laughed, getting on her knees.

The preschool ended at noon, and so did her day. Having her nephews at school with her had been something else that had tempered her longing for her own child. It'd been hard to work in education and want a child so badly. Becoming vice principal, almost a decade before had made that pain a bit more removed, which she was grateful for. Being with a classroom full of kids on a daily basis would've been agonizing for her the last couple of years.

Ryan and Zach hugged Emily as she kissed their cheeks. It didn't matter to Emily, that the boys were her husband's nephews and not her own, or that they were the biggest troublemakers in the class, she loved them as if they were her babies and they loved her back: sensing an appreciation from her they didn't get from their mom.

"Auntie. Someone told us today that you were important." Zach began as Emily took their hands.

"But we told them you weren't important you were just our Aunt Emily."

Emily giggled. "Well you're both right. I'm the vice principal, and I am your auntie."

"So it's true, we do get away with murder?" Ryan asked, sniffling.

Zach hiccupped. "Auntie? What's murder?"

Emily'd been accused of nepotism: of going easy on the twins because they were her nephews. In fact, the truth was, the preschool was simply housed on her campus, and so disciplinary problems were the teacher's sole purview, not hers. Next year, when the boys entered kindergarten, it'd be a different story. Emily wanted badly for their behavior to improve so she wouldn't have to make choices she'd feel terrible for when they got older. Little did the twins realize, Emily would not, in any universe, go easy on them.

Zach sneezed. "Oh honey, do you have a cold?" She asked.

"No." Ryan explained. "He's sick like Mommy."

Emily giggled again. "No guys, you're not sick like mommy, I think you've just got a little bug." She said, placing her hand on Zach's forehead. Zach did the same to her, noting she was warm.

"You're warm too."

"Oh am I warm too?" She teased.

"Do you got the same thing as Mommy?" Ryan asked, the question giving her a moment of pause that was like a spear to her gut.

"No." She managed a small laugh. "Not quite."

Emily got up off her knees; suddenly noticing she was very dizzy. She blinked a few times, gathering herself before taking the twins home.

…

Bob crept into his den, hearing Ryan squeal with glee as he and Zach watched a movie. He hated the fact that his twin nephews were in his den, but Emily claimed it was the easiest way to watch them while she made dinner. Howard was flying and Ellen on was assignment: she wouldn't pick up the twins until late, which met they'd have dinner with their aunt and uncle.

"Hi Uncle Bob!" Zach waived.

"H-hi boys… what are you watching?" He raised an eyebrow, the screen catching his eye.

Bob immediately noted that the twins were watching The Exorcist. The twins stood and started trying to spin, both boys appearing as if they were flying when they were really attempting to move their heads around.

"W-what are you doing?" He asked uncomfortably.

"Why can't we do it?!" Ryan whined.

"Do what?" Bob was partially annoyed partially freaked out.

"Why can't we spin our heads around like that?" Zach asked, pointing at Regan, whose head spun in circles.

"I-I've been wondering that myself boys."

"I like that other movie better." Ryan bit his lip.

"W-what other movie?" Bob raised an eyebrow, wondering why in the hell Howard and Ellen would allow preschoolers to watch this.

"Yeah! Mommy she said she had nightmares about us at the end of the hall, and we're identical too!" Zach excitedly announced.

"Oh…" Bob said flatly.

"Boys… why don't we watch something else? Okay?" He said, changing the channel. The twins were disappointed, but quickly became satisfied with their new viewing selection.

"Yessss!"

"Monster trucks!"

Bob sighed, heading back toward the kitchen.

"Hi honey." Emily smiled, "I heard you come in."

Bob looked up, seeing her for the first time that day. His breath caught in his throat at the very sight of her, and he found himself spellbound.

"What is it honey?" She asked.

"N-nothing you're just… really beautiful today."

"Ooooh." She squealed with surprise at the compliment.

Bob didn't think she was beautiful, there was something about her he couldn't put his finger on: she wasn't just beautiful to him tonight… she was captivating, radiant… glowing. Emily giggled as he came around to greet her, kissing her cheek before wrapping his arms around her from behind and holding her tight. She smiled, leaning into him, and hearing the boys play in the background: pretending they were theirs and that he'd just gotten home from work…. Emily was playing house in her head, but Bob's touch brought her back down to earth. She moaned when she felt him start to kiss her neck.

"Honey." She laughed. "Honey, you can't kiss me like when we've got little kids in the house." She closed her eyes, smiling deeply when she felt him kiss further down her neck. She moaned, arching her neck back further, not wanting to pull away. "Oh Bob…" She finally broke away, leaning up and kissing his lips sweetly.

"I love you Emily." He whispered, his lips brushing hers lightly. "I love you more than anything."

"I love you too." She smiled, kissing him again.

Bob was grateful: thrilled to the depth of his soul that he'd won, once and for all. He could keep his Emily, who he loved more than life itself, as his and his alone: heart, mind, body and soul, for the rest of their days. He kissed her deeply as he listened to the twins play in the background, glad that children like them had not been part of his fate. Instead, he and Emily would be together happily, healthfully and obligation free until they grew old, and into the next life: together. But what the psychologist ironically failed to realize, was that his carefree, loving marriage was not obligation free and that he'd been neglectful of Emily's needs for a long time.

"Auntie Emily! Auntie Emily!" Zach screamed, running into the room and tugging at her skirt.

Emily giggled, pulling away from Bob as he sighed in frustration.

"What sweetheart?" She smiled.

"Auntie, Ryan's being a butthead."

"HEY… We don't say words like that, remember?"

"Oh… " He reconsidered. "He's being a weenie!"

"Oh honey that's not the word either…"

"No I'm not!" Ryan defended as he ran in. "He's making it up!"

"I am not!"

"You two! My little gentlemen don't behave like that. You're brothers. Remember what Auntie told you last week?"

Ashamed, the twins put their heads down, repeating her words verbatim. "That we're brothers and that no matter what happens, we'll always have each other."

Bob rolled his eyes as he watched the kids gather around his wife, their argument stopping in her presence.

"That's right. Now can my boys go wash up?"

They nodded at once as she kissed their cheeks, and ran off to wash up.

"God I'm glad we don't have to deal with that." Bob said.

"Mommy!" They heard the boys squeal in the distance as Ellen came in the door. Bob could see his sister down the hall, who got on her knees to hug the twins.

Emily lowered her head, clutching the kitchen counter. Bob, as insensitive as he was, noticed right away that she was hurt.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." She bit her lip, feigning that she was fine. "I just… Bob… Do you think I would've made a good mommy?"

"Y-yeah the best!"

Emily started to cry, hugging herself tight. "Then why on earth wouldn't you let me have that?" She slammed the utensil drawer shut, and rushed out of the room.

"E-Emily!"


	2. Don't Bring Me Down

Chapter 2 – Don't Bring Me Down

"Emily, I-I'm sorry." Bob said, reaching over and touching her shoulder.

'No, you're not.' She wanted to bark but held her tongue. What was the point, she'd been down that road too many times before.

Hours had passed, and even after a dinner with Ellen and the twins, Emily had still not said a word to her husband. Now, as they lay in bed, he tried desperately to get her to see reason. She stayed stone silent, facing the wall, yanking her shoulder away from his reach with a jolt. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she stared straight ahead, the sound of the air conditioning powering on filling the quiet in the room and soothing her burning hot skin.

"Em …"

"Just go to sleep, Bob." She said, shutting her eyes tight, swallowing her tears.

Emily longed for the sweet release of sleep, knowing it would afford her, her only semblance of peace. She was crushed beyond reason – to the point where the heartache was too much for her to bare: she wanted to just sob, and sob, but didn't feel free enough to. And moreover, she didn't feel well enough for it, as her menopause symptoms were in full swing, something which took her right back to crushed all over again. It was a vicious cycle, one hard enough to cope with, without Bob adding to it.

Emily'd always held out hope of getting pregnant, and deep in her heart she still did – that was until a few weeks ago when it had started out of the blue. Without warning, her normally clockwork cycle had come to a screeching halt, and hot flashes had gripped her body like a heatwave in an Arizona summer. She was miserable, and moody, and overly emotional …. And tired, oh. So. Tired.

More than anything though, Emily was hurt. Her chance to be a mommy was gone, and she'd wanted it so much. She'd clung to the hope of it happening, as if it dangled before her all that time, just within her reach. Now each hot flash, every mood swing, every bought of nausea read like an earthshattering reminder of the hope that was never to come. The news of her menopause had made her husband lament the passing of their youth, but for her, she found herself mourning the loss of little someone's with her eyes – little someone's who never even existed.

Emily'd always ignored her husband's lack of a desire to have a baby, having wanted one so much herself that something in her subconscious tucked that difference between them away, refusing to acknowledge it. She always figured they'd cross that bridge one day: she'd finally get pregnant, he'd be nervous, he'd see his baby and fall in love… And that would be that. But that was not met to be as it seemed, and now Emily found herself all alone, not in the promise of newfound motherhood, but in the certainty of bareness.

"Please talk to me."

Emily also found herself wondering why. Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't I ever have the chance? Why wouldn't he want that with me?

"What's the point?" She asked, her voice breaking.

She knew he rejoiced in the very thing that made her hurt so much she wanted to stop breathing, with that said, what on earth was there to talk about?

"We-we've had a lovely life together a-and we're going to continue to have a lovely life." He paused, hearing her tears in the midst of her ragged breathing.

"But it… It's so empty." She turned to face him, her face totally soaked in tears. "My heart, it feels so empty, Bob." She hugged herself tight, she closed her eyes, barely able to withstand the loneliness she felt, clear down in the core of her soul. "I know you can never understand how I feel, and I know you don't care –"

"Now wait a minute!"

"Oh, give me some credit Dr. Hartley, I know you wanted to throw a party when I told you about the menopause, this is a relief for you, the golden ticket on the last stop to freedom. But my hope is shattered, and my heart is totally broken, and honestly Bob. I don't wanna talk to you or look at you while you're celebrating the thing that hurts me so much."

Bob was stunned and just stared at her a beat. "Emily Joyce Harrison Hartley." He began, leaning over down, and looking directly into her eyes. "I never met to hurt you. I never was that enthusiastic about having a kid, no. But, I never did anything to keep you from getting pregnant … Honey you just, you never did."

"You willed it that way."

"No. No. We just, we aren't compatible in that way."

"What do you mean?!" She asked, sitting up suddenly, her offense spiking sharply.

"T-think about how careful we've been all this time." He said sarcastically. "And yet nothing, no scares, no surprises. No miscarriages. I'd have come around to our kid Emily, but the simple matter of it is, w-we can't have one. I-I don't know why exactly, but you know it's true. Any healthy, normal couple who'd been up to what we have all these years would have five or six kids by now… or at least a couple of miscarriages." Emily turned away from him, crying openly now.

"Something's wrong with one of us Emily, t-there's nothing we could've done…"

"You don't know that!" She cried. "Bob you don't know, we couldn't have gotten help! Or tried something different or adopted a baby who really needed us! You just wouldn't let me have that!"

"Nothing was wrong with me Emily. I checked!"

"Like hell you did."

"I did." He almost growled, livid now at her insistence that he didn't care. "I-It didn't bother me s-so much. I did it for you Emily. You can ask Bernie." He spoke of the urologist who worked down the hall from him. "I went to him. I don't know three times over the years b-because you were upset."

"And?"

"I'm not exactly shooting blanks!"

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Her eyes welled with a new batch of tears.

"Because I couldn't stand to see you crushed, again when it didn't happen. I-I thought it was just better to let things take their course. Y-you said i-it wasn't you. A-and I knew it wasn't me."

"You willed it." She put her head down.

"And if I'd willed it, why were we so careful?" He quipped sarcastically, referring to the very private fact that they'd not used any form of birth control in many, many years. "And if I'd really willed it, Emily, I'd have gotten snipped. But, I didn't do that. I let you have years and year's worth of chances… and sweetheart, I'm sorry it just didn't take. I'm really, truly sorry."

"I don't wanna watch your sister have another baby she doesn't want!" She finally admitted. "I can't stand to do it Bob. I couldn't stand it the first time, and I can't stand it now. My own jealousy. it's killing me, it hurts so much!"

Totally emotional now, Emily broke down in total sobs. She swallowed hard, hating herself for allowing him to pull her into his embrace.

"Shuuu sweetie I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry you're so upset." He cradled her, holding her close and kissing her tearstained cheeks. "I'm sorry I can't take the pain away, a-and that I don't share it, not fully."

"Don't. Don't you wonder what our–" She couldn't bring herself to say, our baby. "What he'd have looked like?" She asked, her words so soft she could barely get them out.

"Yes." He said, calmly. "I-I always have. But. I still look in those beautiful eyes." He smiled sadly, peering down into her tear-filled blue orbs. "And I see him right there." He held her tight, kissing the bridge of her nose.

Emily died a little inside upon hearing this, pining for him to share more. Her heart sank, hugging him tight now despite her anger toward him.

"Bob?" She bit her lip.

"Yeah."

He rested his forehead to hers as he held her, his touch at once soothing, and also forcing the bile to rise in her throat. Loving this man now, reminded her unequivocally, of what hadn't come from it.

"Do you think I'd have made a good mommy?" She whispered, asking for the second time that night.

Bob didn't answer, instead he brought her closer to him, and turned off the light, easing them both under the covers, as if to tuck them in.

"Oh, the best. The very best, my sweetheart." He soothed.

Bob felt his heart jerk as she laid her head onto his chest and cried herself to sleep.

….

Emily blinked, resisting the morning light that poured through the window overhead.

"Uhhhhg." She moaned, searing pain bolting through her joints the moment she tried to stretch.

Emily, who was used to feeling regenerated and energized when she woke, felt like death was upon her.

"Good morning honey." Bob said, leaning over, kissing her throbbing forehead.

"Ummm hi Bob."

"Sweetheart. I-I know you're miserable. A-and I know you're sad." He said, gently tucking her hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry you're so hurt. B-but I promise we'll do something special, okay? C-change things up."

Something special. What could've been more special than the one thing she wanted? What could make up for having to watch Ellen have another baby she didn't want when she'd kill for one?

"A-and I promise we'll start out new together, o-okay? I-I know it's a little, little early for this chapter to-to close but. Well, we'll open the next one with a bang, okay?"

"A bang." She repeated distantly.

"R-right." He kissed her softly. "Honey I'm gonna go get breakfast with Jerry before work, do you want me to bring you –"

"No. I think I'll stay in and sleep the hot flashes off. Call in sick. I need to just … think."

"Okay. How about you have lunch with me?"

"Maybe." She considered. She held her head as he leaned down to kiss her.

"I love you very much." He said, "Thank you for being the best wife, and the best friend I could've ever, ever asked for. I-I understand our not having a child is-is really hurting you. I respect that, but if it helps, please know that for me you're enough. You're my everything." Bob kissed her nose sweetly, and with that, he left.

Emily closed her eyes. It was nice to know she could be everything to him. But for her, it just wasn't enough. She took a deep breath, trying hard to think about going back to sleep, when suddenly the nausea kicked in again; this time at full speed.

"Oh boy." She gasped, holding her forehead with one hand and her middle with the other, finding the need to steady herself even as she lay on her back.

Emily took a deep breath, hoping the need to become ill would go away. Instead, she felt herself start to gag, and instinctively covered her mouth as she got up, hitting her toe hard on the nightstand. She winced in pain, wanting to stop and nurse the injury, but finding herself unable. Instead, she ran to the bathroom and shut the door.

…

"God, what did I eat?" Emily asked, holding her face in her hand as she came down the back stairs into her empty, lifeless kitchen.

Bob and Emily had moved from their apartment several years before, buying a brownstone next door to Howard and Ellen. In hindsight, Emily saw it as a subconscious effort on their part to force children to happen…

Emily made her way into the room, the stillness grating at her as she grabbed the milk out of the fridge and sat down at the kitchen island, pouring herself a glass, not realizing she was insatiably thirsty on top of everything else. She sighed, looking around sadly at the big, bare kitchen. The clock ticked audibly.

"What'd we get this place for… Oh, that's right."

Emily couldn't help but see everything that wasn't there: the gigging teens at the table, the brunette little boy with his basketball, the toddler in her high-chair in the corner. It all felt so lonely …. So wrong. Emily didn't see her lack of children as something that had hadn't happened, or something they'd missed out on, instead she saw it as a giant cosmic mistake.

Emily looked around the space, noting with a twinge of hatred and pain, that it was barren just as she was. She shook her head, not wanting to think it, but found she was unable to keep herself from saying the words aloud. It seemed so right, when this all seemed so wrong.

"No." She reasoned, as if trying to fight her way out of a conviction. "This is wrong, all wrong. You've got the wrong woman here. I was _met_ to be a mommy."

Emily finished her glass of milk, and without even noticing she'd done it, poured another one.


	3. Tapestry

Ch 3 - Tapestry

"He started it!" Zach cried, pointing at his twin.

Emily groaned, her pounding head in her hands. She'd stayed home from work that day, feeling not just sick, but heartsick and pitiful. Not long after Bob left, Ellen had dumped the twins, who were also not feeling their best, on her. Normally, Emily would've been tickled to take them, but found that she was much too overcome that morning to even look at them without pain and resentment piercing her heart.

'Take them. I can't be the auntie they need today… You know, the auntie for the mommy you're not.' Emily wanted to say.

Emily observed her sister-in-law coldly as she dropped off the boys, nervously raving about something important she had to do that day, and apologizing profusely for the sudden colds that seemed to afflict the twin boys. If Emily'd been really paying attention, she would've seen apprehension in the slightly younger woman that morning, and may even have picked up on what was really going on. But, she was stuck in her own head

'How fitting?' Emily wanted to quip. 'The boys end up sick when I am sick, and here you are, running off to your career… I'd have flushed my career down the toilet for the chance to stay home with my kid when he was sick.'

Emily reflected on the morning exchange, or rather, her fantasy version of it as she watched the twins argue.

"The two of you really need to knock it off." Emily said, her tone of voice catching the twins' attention right away. It was all that need be said.

They both turned to her, wide-eyed, and sniffling as they began to mumble little choruses of 'I'm sorry' and 'We didn't mean ta.'

Still pained, Emily gave a bittersweet laugh and held out her arms for the twins, who climbed onto the couch on either side of her, cuddling into her warm embrace.

"No fighting today, we'll just enjoy the rest, and be sick together." She offered.

Ryan sighed, feeling his aunt comb his hair with her fingers. She felt his burning hot forehead as he studied his toy plane. Zach, meanwhile, closed his eyes, feeling ultimate comfort at being nestled in her side.

The twins remained close to her as they started to watch a cartoon together. She stared straight ahead, part of her feeling as if she were really dying inside. Menopause? Really? Already? Just weeks before, she'd felt in the prime of her life, sexy and young, fertile even if she really wasn't… and pretty. Emily really was prettier than ever. And then this? It just didn't fit, but yet it was.

Now, the little twin boy's sweetness: their touch, and their laughs, and even the adorable sound of their breathing (no different than it had been when they were toddlers) served almost as living manifestations of the battle between her body and her heart.

Zach, who was more miserable than he let on, hugged her, as if fighting for dear life. Part of Emily took refuge in the boys, their presence filling her desire to shower little someones with motherly affection… At least superficially. She tried to shut it out of her mind, but noted right away that deep down inside, part of her cringed deep, repelled at their touch. Emily jumped a beat when Zach sneezed on her.

"Bless you." She whispered sadly, holding him closer.

…

Bob sat alone in his office, his hands clasped pensively as the room seemed to rush around him. He'd never expected to be dealt this kind of burden, and resented it deeply. Moreover, he had no idea what to do.

'You're a psychologist.' He told himself. 'You should know what to do.'

But he supposed it was quite different when it was ones own family drama to consider. Bob tried to step out of his shoes, as rationally as he could, asking himself what he'd advise if this were a patient coming to him with this issue.

"Ugh but this is my sister!" He said to himself gruffly, his frustration evident in his tone.

Ellen paused mid-knock, awkwardness filling the air when Bob looked up. "Oh uh, bad timing?"

"Y-you could say that." He nodded.

Bob had wanted in the worst way, to discuss this with Jerry, but felt it too private. He needed to talk to Emily, but couldn't bare to crush her, and he felt obligated to talk to Howard … but still wasn't sure whose side to take, if any.

"L-look I'm on the fence." He said, watching as his sister shut his office door behind her and sat on the couch.

"But you've thought about it?"

"Y-yeah."

Bob was still surprised, in some way, that his little sister had come to him, informing him that she wanted to have an abortion. He had no idea what he thought of it, only knowing the news would crush his wife. He was desperate to make Emily feel better, and had even thought of asking Ellen if they could just keep this one…But then he'd realized there was Howard to consider. And then, Ellen had dropped the bombshell on him.

"Well Bob." She said, just exactly as she'd said it yesterday. "Will you take me?"

Bob would've never imagined in a million years that she'd ask him to take her to have an abortion. Unbeknownst to Emily, he had been grappling with this all night and still had no answer. On one hand, he could help his sister, and in doing so, he'd betray one of his best friends, and crush his wife.

"W-what about Howard?" Bob asked.

"What about him? He's cloistering me Bob."

"Does he know?" He asked flatly.

Ellen bristled. "No."

"Look I- you're my sister a-and I love you. M-maybe it would be different if Howard weren't Howard but…"

Ellen sighed, almost seeming distraught by her brother's concern.

"I can't hide this from Howard, e-even for your sake. Besides this isn't any of my business. This is something you have to work out between you and your husband."

"But Bob he won't listen to reason! He'll never let me —"

Bob shrugged. "He can't keep you from doing anything. All I'm saying is, d-do you know how I'd feel if Emily did something like this without seeing how I felt?" He asked seriously. "O-or at least telling me she was doing it?!"

"Howard did something like his without seeing how I felt." She crossed her arms bitterly, looking away.

Bob paused for a moment, finding it hard to believe she was really still that upset about having the twins… kind of unexpectedly.

"I-I'm not saying that was right either." He said gently.

Bob was annoyed now, looking at the entire picture, he was sickened that Howard and Ellen couldn't talk things out like mature adults and instead, had to trick each other into things as serious as marriage and family planning. At the very least, she was better than that but Bob didn't say it.

"There's something - several somethings that don't sit right with me about this."

"Oh and what's that?" She practically laughed at him.

"You don't want to be burdened with another baby and I-I understand and respect that. I'm-I'm not keen on kids either."

"You'd do the same if you were me! Stop being so hypocritical."

Bob blinked, staring back, unsure he liked the accusation, knowing deep down that it had a semblance of truth to it. If he were her, he knew in his gut he would be making a similar choice but didn't want to admit it.

"My not wanting kids of my own doesn't change the fact that you have a chance a lot of people really hurt over."

Ellen sighed loudly, disliking the lecture. "Look, I know Emily's hurt about this baby…"

"She's crushed, especially because you don't want it." He said pointedly. "And Carol too, for that matter." He corrected.

Like Emily, Carol also doted on Ellen's sons because she'd never had her own.

Uncomfortable now, Ellen shifted in her seat, feeling surrounded, and not wanting to admit that she saw how that was painful.

"Well gee. Thanks a lot for your support Bob." She quipped.

"I-I might help it's just… Like you, I don't experience the pain of wanting a child. B-but I still live with the pain of wanting a child…" He emphasized. "And the idea that you wanna get rid of this kid when my poor wife would do just about anything to have one… It makes me, I don't know I guess it makes me kind of sick." He admitted.

It was beyond sick: it was confused, and ashamed and somehow still thankful this wasn't really him having a child.

She bit her lip, looking down. "I really didn't count on your-not helping me. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"You have girlfriends right? They could go with you? Look you-you can do what you want but. I think its the wrong thing. Emily will be ten times more crushed if you abort that baby. It's a slap in the face to someone like her."

Ellen sighed, wondering why they had to make her body about Emily.

"A-and Howard's a great father. You and the twins, you're really lucky he loves you all so much … Not a lot of women get that kind of support from their husband."

"Not every woman gets tricked either."

Bob was annoyed now. "Look you-you love the guy right?"

Ellen gave a pensive sigh. "Yes."

"All I'm saying is, talk to him, regardless of what you do it'll help unless of course, you want to ruin the marriage. You can't, you can't do something like this and not harm your marriage. You gotta talk to the guy, i-it's no different from that time you had to break the news that your old boyfriend was coming to town, o-or that you wanted to move in with him and-"

"Bob if I recall, you're the one who ruined that."

"He needs to hear your feelings a-and figure out a way to accept them."

"Tough chance." She quipped.

Bob was desperate. He had known what would happen, from the moment Howard and Ellen fell in love at her wedding shower (for her wedding to another man). They'd get married, they wouldn't be able to communicate, and Bob would be stuck… taking care of whatever child they had while Howard was flying. That was the last thing he wanted.

"Or I could tell him I miscarried."

Bob looked around bewildered. "I-if you were going to do that, why did I have to know about it!"

Dejected, Ellen got up and turned the door knob just once, opening it slightly and shutting it again.

"You know Bob?" She asked, almost mocking him. "If by some miracle Emily came to you tonight and told you she was pregnant. I bet your reaction wouldn't be any different than mine."

Cool as a cucumber, Bob stared straight ahead as Ellen left, slamming the door behind her.

"Well." He said to himself, returning to his work. "Thank God we've crossed that bridge."

….

"Daddy!"

Emily jumped, waking from a sound sleep when Ryan bolted from her arms, making a mad dash for Howard who stood in the doorway, clad in uniform, his suitcase at his feet. Zach giggled, hurriedly wrestling himself out of the blanket he snuggled with. Emily helped him, keeping him from tripping and he rushed to hug his dad, leaving Emily alone and empty armed. She smiled bittersweetly, resting her aching head against the couch cushion as she watched Howard laugh and rough house with the boys. Even at times like this, when she was so sad, it warmed her heart to see how loving Howard was with those boys… like their brother before them.

"Go on guys, go get your coats." Howard said, getting up off his knees with the boys, who ran out of the room. "Thanks for taking em Emily, I heard your not feeling very well what with the -"

"Yes." She said quickly, not wanting to discuss her change of life with him and his young sons.

"Yeah Ellen's not well either." He reflected, not noting Emily's groan of dread. She didn't want to hear it.

Emily lay back, her hand on her pounding forehead and just listened. "Morning sickness?" She shrugged, figuring that was it.

Emily kept her eyes closed, her frustration with the conversation veiled by her severe migraine. She winced, feeling nauseous herself, but he didn't notice.

'God, I wish he'd leave so I could sleep this off.' She thought.

"No - no I mean, there's that but its different than last time. She's on edge! And I don't know why!"

Her eyes still closed, Emily sighed in disappointment when she heard him sit across from her. Of course he'd want to talk.

"Mostly though, she's just so tired."

"Yeah…" Emily reflected, her voice dull as if bored.

"And she's constantly snapping at me."

"Well of course she is!" Emily was annoyed.

"And she's got a headache all of the time. I-I just don't know what to do."

Emily froze when he said headache, she stared at him, slowly moving her hand away from her face. But her moment of realization went over his head.

'No…' She said to herself. 'It couldn't…'

"Oh well. I guess it'll be over soon enough!" Howard shrugged, not really knowing what he was saying. He stood, and kissed the very top of Emily's head. He didn't notice her mouth hanging open in surprise from what'd just crossed her mind. Or the fact that she said nothing else to him. "Feel better Emily, we're right next door."

Emily sat there, still utterly shocked as Howard and the twins went through her kitchen, going out the back way. "And we'll take some of these cookies off your hands!"

Emily laughed, biting her lip. She'd never thought of that. Maybe it wasn't menopause… Maybe, just maybe, this was a baby.

"Emily Hartley you're delusional, how sad is that." She laughed to herself, fidgeting with her hands.

Howard shut the back door and the moment of revelation died down. Emily sat up, clutching the edge couch, trying not to get excited. 'You're only forty-six…it could be possible. Not probable… But possible.'

Emily tried to hold back her joy, knowing it would only get shattered, but she couldn't help it. She almost squealed, getting up off the couch and running to find her shoes.


	4. One Fine Day

Ch 4 – One Fine Day

Emily looked around frantically from her place crouched down, studying the small selection of grocery store pregnancy tests. She was in a hurry and found she couldn't concentrate. She jumped every time someone passed by and stopped her search to comb the aisle for familiar, prying eyes.

"Oh why, oh why did I come here?" She whispered to herself.

In her haste to get ahold of a test, Emily had conveniently forgotten that Mrs. Bakerman, one of Bob's oldest, and nosiest patients, worked at the store. Emily found herself absolutely desperate to stay out of sight at the realization, and most of all, to hide the reason for her trip.

But how was she to do that?

Surely, Mrs. Bakerman would make a big deal about the whole thing if she found out, and the last thing Emily wanted was for anyone to find out about this. It was why she'd not gone straight to the doctor: she was taking this test on a whim and a prayer… Worst of all, if Mrs. Bakerman knew, the whole thing would get straight back to Bob. And above all else, she couldn't have that. If it turned out to be false, he'd grow overly concerned and try to get her to seek mental help, and if positive… Well, that'd be a whole different hurdle.

Emily sighed a deep breath of relief when a couple of shoppers passed her by, Mrs. Bakerman still not anywhere in sight. She turned her gaze back to the selection at hand. It wasn't like there were that many to choose from, but she wanted the most accurate result possible if she was even going to give this a try.

"Oh that! It's on aisle five! I'll show you!"

Emily looked up, her eyes bulging like a deer caught in headlights when she heard Mrs. Bakerman speak, she looked up, the sign above her head reading aisle five.

"Damn it!'

Emily turned back to the tests quickly, with just two kinds to choose from, and no time to lose, she made a bold decision, her heart racing as she stuffed two of each into her bag. She stood quickly, turning on a dime to face the dental section behind her.

"Oh hello Mrs. Hartley!" Mrs. Bakerman cried cheerily, pointing a disheveled looking man to a display of Kleenex a few feet away. "What brings you in to-"

"Not much Mrs. Bakerman." Emily covered nervously. "You know what?" She said, putting down the mouthwash she'd grabbed and not needed. "I'll take this too." Emily hurried over to the Kleenex and grabbed a box before scurrying off without a word.

Mrs. Bakerman, ever the friendly soul simply waived as Emily fled. "I wonder what's gotten into her?" She asked aloud.

….

Twenty Minutes Later

"Maaaybe I should've gone to the doctor." Emily considered, nervously tapping the box she held with her long, French tipped nails. "If positive," she read to herself, "Two double lines will turn blue."

She looked down and frowned, picking up one of the tests and noting it was still blank.

She'd never done this before. Not once. And the nervousness was eating her alive. Emily shuddered, her suppressed excitement and raw anxiousness permeated her psyche so deeply she could barely breathe. She gulped, eyeing the timer. Five more minutes.

'There it is.' She thought. 'All your hope, on four little sticks. Blank sticks.'

Emily left the bathroom, trying her best to distract herself from her impending fate. Either way it would be life changing. She sat on the edge of the bed, wanting to jump out of her skin; feeling the need to run anywhere else, and finding that she waited, not just on a test result, but on a miracle or the moratorium of what could've been.

Emily let out a deep breath and shut her eyes tight, allowing herself to fall back onto the bed. She stared up at the ceiling, noting her hands rested atop her flat middle protectively. It was down to the wire. These were the very last seconds she'd be able to hold onto a thread of hope that someday, someday soon, she might be a mother.

'It has to be.' A voice inside reassured.

'It can't be, you just saw the tests.' Another nagged.

But Emily didn't engage her waring thoughts, instead she lay there: trying to remain as calm as possible as two sides of her psyche waged war for dominance over her fragile emotional state.

'Ding!'

The alarm rung through the air, sounding less like a melodic chime and more like a boom being lowered. Emily sat up nervously, not wanting to go in. It's why she'd chosen drug store tests over going straight to her doctor…. She couldn't stand to be told this wasn't possible, that her hope had run out.

Emily eased herself off the bed, her heart sinking just a little more with every passing second. She closed her eyes, a tear sliding down her cheek as she made her way slowly to the bathroom, knowing she was about to have her heart cruelly broken.

'It's best to get it over with.' She thought. 'Like ripping off a band aid….'

Emily approached the sink and took a deep breath, finally looking down. At once, her heart skipped a beat and her mind began to race not with fury, but with shock.

The miracle had come: in the form of four sets of blue stripes.

"Oh my god." She cried, unable to keep from beaming. She burst out crying. "I'm having a baby!"


End file.
